Waiting is painful, even torturous for adults. Ignorant of the outcome, one is likely to imagine every possibility, and especially the worst. Failing to provide a permanent home for a child is to break a promise that is implied when the child is removed. The very fact of removing a child suggests that the state will improve the situation. And yet many children suffer a painful and often fruitless wait.
The tragedy of a coal mine disaster is heartbreaking. Remember the relatives waiting on the surface for news of their loved ones? The pain of not knowing, even for those of us who were mere spectators, was very difficult to endure.
Imagine you are awaiting the results of your mammogram exam or prostate test. You call daily but they still don’t have the results. What are you thinking? Feeling?
Pretend you are working as a temp, hoping to get a full-time job so you can have access to benefits and support your family. The months slip by. You are doing a good job but are afraid even to inquire whether they plan to hire you. Nothing is happening. You are worried but try not to let it show.
Waiting is much longer and much worse for a child living in a home with no permanent commitment. Most adults have other life experiences, memories of times when patience was rewarded with good results. Adults learn to hang in there on the big issues and “not to sweat the small stuff.” The child has no such reassuring experiences. Imagine you are a four-year-old that has just been ripped from your birth parents by the police. Screaming and crying, clutching only a doll, you are handed from the police officer to a strange lady. This lady puts you in a car and tells you that you are going to live with a new family. Scared and alone, you don’t understand what is happening. Bewildered, you arrive at strange house. You wonder why you are here. Can you play? Will they feed you? As you go through a new routine, not knowing what is expected of you, you wonder: “Where is my mom?”
What happens to a child who has been traumatized by events much like these? The child wonders, “Am I going home?” But the question never gets answered.
Extensive psychological research has documented the negative consequences of delay. Harm results from drifting along in foster care. ASFA reflects this concern by setting deadlines for permanence. Yet too often, the state moves from abuse by the birth parents to further abuse by the welfare departments and courts, the very systems that were designed to protect the child.
The foster child’s whole life and future are on the line. He will not understand all the bureaucratic reasons adults may provide to explain the delay. He is much more likely to interpret a lack of results as a lack of love. “If you loved me, you would promise to be there forever for me.”Or even worse, the child may wonder whether it is his or her own fault. “Why doesn’t anyone want me? I must not be lovable.” So why do we fail to show the urgency that the research and laws insist upon?