“I don’t think that the family therapy is helping,” said one foster parent. “We all have to go three times a week. We’d do better if it were changed or stopped. But I’m afraid to bring it up or argue for fear we’ll have our foster children removed – or be blackballed from any more placements.”
In addition to decisions about counseling, foster parents often have something to say about medical care, school issues, visitation with the birth parents, and whether and when to change the permanency plan to adoption. Their knowledge and opinions need to be heard. But unfortunately, fearing retaliation, they are too often afraid to speak out.
Foster children would benefit from an honest discussion of alternatives. Yet, the foster parents may feel they are “just foster parents,” or that they are not important decision-makers. Although the 1997 federal Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) said foster parents should be heard in court, they have had little real power.
Caving in meekly to what the others recommend or being silent in fear of retaliation must not be an option. Rather, foster parents must learn how to present their knowledge and opinions without threatening the other players. One does not have to be combative to be effective.
Knowledge is power, and therein lies the foster parents’ elemental strength. They must find effective ways to present this everyday knowledge about the child to those who make the critical decisions. Foster parents cannot mandate or order their information to be implemented. Rather, they must act as salesmen in presenting what they know and believe.
Here are nine rules that will help foster parents advocate more effectively for the youngsters under their care.
- Communicate with the caseworker on a regular, even weekly, basis. Foster parents should not wait for a crisis. Stay in touch. A phone call, a mailed journal update, or an email may be sufficient. Build a normal and steady routine of contact.
- Keep a daily journal. Record school successes and failures, medical concerns and doctor appointments, and positive and negative behavior. Note how visitation with the birth parents went. The foster parent may add his or her own opinions and judgments, but should keep these separate from the factual information.
- Begin all communications on a positive note. Good communicators begin with positive remarks. Every face-to-face contact with the other players should start with two uncritical comments or compliments. This tried-and-true strategy is used in mediation, labor-management negotiations, and sales. Praise the other party’s office décor or what they are wearing. Offer a smile. Ask a question about something of theirs that you notice, perhaps a family picture or a sports trophy. Thank them for the invitation.
- Use “I” messages. All good communication must be informative. Foster parents are experts on what they themselves think and feel, not what they suspect the other person thinks. Practice using “I” instead of “you” in your discussions. The “I” message avoids criticism and judgments about other points of view. People are more apt to hear what the foster parents have to say if they don’t spend their time attacking the other opinions.
- Listen. Keep an open mind. Consider what others have to offer. Respect their thinking. People are more likely to listen if they are listened to.
- Work regularly with the CASA or GAL. Keep the CASA/GAL informed of the everyday progress and setbacks. Use the communication techniques outlined in rules 3-5 above.
- Work with the birth parents. Remember, reunification must be the initial goal. Foster parents should treat the birth parents with courtesy, cooperate with visitation, and help them learn how to parent when possible. Birth parents can make good allies if later the foster parents wish to adopt the child.
- Stand up for the child. The foster parent should state what he or she thinks is best and why. Don’t blame or impugn the motives of others. Find a way to get information to the caseworker and, if necessary, into court before the judge. Don’t be hesitant for fear of being blackballed. Remember, the best decisions can only be made if all sides and opinions are adequately presented.
- Regard court as a last resort. The courtroom is an adversarial setting. Arguing in court may sometimes be necessary, but it is far better to have matters resolved before going to court. If foster parents feel they will have problems presenting important information in court, they should hire an attorney who is familiar with foster care policies and laws.
Getting along is the key to making a difference. Foster parents should use good communication skills to be sure that the information necessary to make informed decisions affecting the child’s entire life and future is available to the welfare department and in court.
Children in care need the foster parents’ knowledge and love. They also need the foster parent to stand up as an advocate. Foster parents must make every effort to get along with those in power. If the foster parents are concerned that the child’s best interests are still being ignored, they should continue with their role as advocate. They may need to hire an attorney to be sure that all information and recommendations are fully presented before the judge. The child is the most important party to all these efforts, and the child’s best interests are paramount.